It’s an early evening in the middle of October, I am sitting in front of a sewing machine, and I’m petrified! 

I have a crazy idea, and I don’t know how I’m going to get from point A to point B. The days prior to this, I have done everything to get myself ready: I’ve visited the park to scout the exact spots that I will shoot in and created a route for getting to those spots in the quickest amount of time without creating a spectacle. I’ve spent hours learning color theory and meticulously picking the right colors for the dress. I pick orange because it not only compliments the blue sky, but it also matches the trees—I pick the five colors of the dress by color-swatching from a photograph of the fall foliage. Then I visit prom dress stores and even kids party dress stores to study the garment construction. I visit the park again to practice walking in sneakers and with flats just to see how fast I can get to the different spots I’ve chosen to shoot in. I go at 6 am and at 6pm to study the light and record where it falls at which time so I can adequately time my shoot. I go to the fabric store to get comfortable with the idea of making a dress. I touch fabrics, ask questions, buy thread, and buy more thread like it helps anything. I call fashion designers in the area to ask for their help in making the dress. I’m asking people at the fabric store too. I am desperate for help because the more I look at my sketch, the scarier it gets.

 

Eventually, I have a consultation with Marylin Johnson a dressmaker in Laurel, Maryland. We’ve already established that she cannot make the dress for me, not within a week and not without a huge price tag, but she has agreed to at least sit with me and work through my idea. She is the first person who doesn’t look at me like I am crazy. She listens without raining judgement on how ridiculous my idea sounds. I even tell about the photoshoot—How I plan to rent a boat, and take the picture of myself by myself. But we decide, one crazy task at a time. We breakdown my dress idea into smaller workable pieces. She believes in me and if that’s all I got leaving her studio, it was more than enough—that and the warm hug!

Now, in front of the sewing machine, I try sewing on paper, then I sew on tulle, I cut fabric on a pattern and it all turns out rather horribly.

 

The night before the shoot, I go over to a friend who has some reasonable amount of sewing skills to ask for her assistance. It is hard not to notice the anxiety on her face when she looks at my sketch and the patterns.  We stare at it for hours until she finally calls it overly-ambitious, that and my plan to get the dress done overnight. I’m sick to my stomach at this time—adding to the fever I’ve been fighting all week.

It’s midnight and I leave her place hopeless, empty-handed, and fighting tears.

That night, I pray to God and practically beg that He takes the idea to make the dress out of my my heart if it will only lead to failure. By morning the next day, I believed things were was going to go one of two ways: if God wanted to spare me the pain, He would make me get over this idea (after all, no one knew about it so no one will miss it) but if there was any little bit of Hope lingering there, I was going to take it and run with it.

It takes me 4 hours to make one layer of the skirt and there are 7 layers more to go. My revised shoot day is in 36 hours and within that time I have to get my hair and make-up done, practice poses, and find someone to assist me on the shoot because even though I’ve done some self-portrait photography in public, nothing would have been quite as difficult as doing it in an elaborate dress while carrying a heavy tripod and a five pound camera bag for 15-18mns at a time (those were the average distances between the spots I’d chosen to shoot in).

Courage

I wish I could say things were smooth sail from here, but they weren’t.

I get the dress made in 36 hours, but it isn’t the original style. There’s barely any light outside the day I go to shoot, meanwhile people have completely halted their jogging and speed walking to watch “the show.” Some even start recording and taking pictures of me. And worst of all, it rains non-stop for three days after that.

Since the dress was inspired by the fall foliage it was important to shoot in front of the colorful trees, but at this rate, it was hard for me to see any light at the end of the tunnel.  The three days of rain would have washed most of the leaves on the trees and the weather was only going to get colder making it even worse to have a one man production of photographing myself in a sleeveless dress with no assistance.

Almost in tears, I text my mom:

“It didn’t work out…at least I can say I tried”

 

The gift of a second of chance:

Three days later, I am looking at the weather forecast for the coming week and I can’t believe my eyes! It is supposed to be even warmer and sunnier with no clouds for 4 days!!!!

I get straight back to work! I spend all of Monday perfecting the dress(the real one I sketched), and I say a prayer again that God sends me at least one friend to help me with the shoot. It is my new nightmare. The dress has been created, but shooting this would be difficult. I didn’t need assistance taking the pictures per se. It was smaller things like carrying the tripod or angling it so that I didn’t have to keep moving back and forth, and of course the moral support of just having one of my friends with me.

If you’ve ever watched yourself almost lose something then you probably understand me when I say I cherished my second chance. There was no room to be scared or give less. I almost didn’t have this. It’s hard to believe, but I wasn’t even in the least nervous when I arrived to shoot that morning. My passion to create this story was greater than any fear and I danced and twirled in front of my camera like no one was watching.

Community

People were, of course, watching! And, surprisingly, many of them stopped their morning walks to encourage me. It was like a community of cheerleaders. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t realize it until later, but the “moral support” I prayed about was right there in a community of strangers. I shot for three days and many who recognized me from the day before came to check on my progress. Which spot are you shooting from today? Do you need help? By the third day, they had all learned my name.

“You should try shooting from this angle. We see your reflection in the water with the trees in the back. It looks so beautiful!”

A group of women shouted from about 12 ft across the lake. I asked them if they would be so kind to carry my camera and tripod across the lake to exactly how they saw their vision and they happily obliged. I shouted directions back to them across, “turn the dial so it zooms!” Patiently they followed every direction. Then, I took the picture! This is what they saw!! :

I am choking up as I write this because the support was overwhelming and I can never thank everyone enough for simply being there and encouraging me. Everyone right down to the women at the fabric store who were constantly checking on my progress to these strangers who were really angels.

Many stopped their jogging, not to stare awkwardly but to ask if I needed any help shooting. So many would come offering to carry my equipment, so I didn’t have to move. And then I realized it! My prayer had been answered again: “a friend to carry my tripod when I needed help.” I never had to ask. All the roadblocks I faced were miraculously moving out of the way. The trees which I feared would lose their leaves because of the rain were at their peak and the colors were even more vibrant than the week before. It was like the whole universe was pushing me forward, a community of strangers & friends who believed in me. I’m especially grateful for my mom and family who heard my frustrations daily with creating the dress and didn’t allow me to give up.

The story behind this photo

Lost in the narrative

This was one of the spots I had planned to shoot in, but when I arrived, there were two men fishing and I could tell they were not planning to leave soon. I could have gone and tried another day, but I stayed and boldly shot in front of them  (You can tell how cold it was from the jacket the man is wearing).

I had reached the point where this project and my dream to create it were bigger than any insecurity and fear. I dedicated myself a 100% to giving it my heart and soul, listening for the stories that it told me and chasing them courageously.

Story: When I started to see a whole narrative write itself with the men fishing in the background, I acted it out on the spot. I loved the juxtaposition so I posed by their fishing rods, balanced myself on the rock in the water (almost tripped over twice), I run back and forth for a dramatic dress effect, so that my dress would move in the wind… and I did all of that in front of them and without any fears. I was completely lost in the story.

At one point, I was making a video of myself twirling in front of my tripod when something strange happened: The two men immediately  stopped their  fishing and started clapping with the beat of each spin to my twirl! I almost cried…

I owe all of the courage and strength in creating this to God! I didn’t know I had it in me and I still don’t how I was able to pull this off by myself. All I know is I showed up every day ready to work and give my all and the rest aligned itself—God met me each time right where I needed Him.

Special dedication:  I usually don’t like the fall because it not been my most cheery seasons. Everything feels dark and harder, but it was 11 years ago in the fall when I was going through a hard time that my grandmother reminded me to “create my own happiness” and I’ve counted on that principle to get me through ever since. She created her own happiness by writing children’s books and I was going to create mine with art. Sitting here today I remember her and hope she is proud!

 

I hope I’ve been able to encourage someone reading this to push for their dreams even harder. I wish you the courage to take your first step today no matter how wild and crazy your dreams may seem. If you want to learn more about the story behind the dress you can read about how the whole idea started here.

And watch out for one last big surprise from this shoot coming soon!

 

Photography// Dress // Hair & Make Up// Model : Armenyl